8/17/2021

This and that

Lately, all this existential dread that I take mostly in stride reminds me of how I used to fall apart constantly over imagined catastrophes. My anxiety used to be out of control. I have so much compassion for who I was when I was trying so hard to live and my brain made me terrified of everything. 

I think if you ask people in my life now if they’d describe me as anxious, they’d say, yeah, of course. But they wouldn’t say it as in “Yeah, she needs to chill the fuck out. She’s lost the plot.” It is one of the least interesting things about me. And when it’s something that flares up, I no longer feel the need to apologize for it. So what if sometimes I’m “too much”?

I heard someone use the mantra “I am willing to accept the consequences of being who I am.” And why the fuck wouldn’t I? I am magnificent. I wasted so much energy over the years feeling like I had to prove I was good enough to be loved. How silly that I ever thought that I wasn’t.

You deserve to be loved for the authentic, magnificent person you are. 

Current read: Cultish: The Language of Fanaticism by Amanda Montell

You should watch: Free Guy

Stuck in my head at all hours: “Happier Than Ever” by Billie Eilish. The second half goes so hard.

Surprising development: My newfound love of riding my stationary bike and streaming Peloton classes. Lunchtime rides do take the edge off endless Zoom meetings.